Listening to: The Funeral - Band of Horses

Edit: Ok. So I am kinda rerevamping the site. I never really finished the last revamp and there are a lot of changes I didn’t get to make. So I am going to be removing a lot lot lot of the old content and replace it with other stuff such as the super coolio WP themes I am working on right now! I have some ideas that have been swimming around in my head and I thought it was time I put them into a theme. I don’t want to change the layout because I love beyond love this one but I do think WP themes would be great. So I am working on it. Hopefully I can have themes done in 2-3 weeks. I know that seems like a while but I want to make 4-5 and I want theme to be as good of quality as my current theme.

XOXO Athena

Ok. The music video to the song I’m listening to made me cry so if you like really sad stuff go look for it on you tube. Trust me if you have tear ducts you will cry.

So I watched Marie Antoinette last night (technically it was this morning but whatever..) It was ok. The costumes and sets where beautiful! The plot was kind of shallow actually it was nonexistent… Also there was very little dialog. The costumes made it completely worth watching though.. I officially decided I am going to be Marie Antoinette for halloween this year! I know it’s only Feb. but it will take me all summer to sew the costume (corset and all..) I am really excited because one of my many odd odd hobbies happens to be costume design/sewing. Me mom taught me how to sew when I was 3 or 4 and I have been working on my mad skills ever since. I will have to show you all a picture of a doll I made for school one time. So my mom will help me some most likely and it will be a little work but I am really excited.

Ok. So this blog really isn’t all that chipper as it has started out to be. I have been debating back and forth in my head whether on not to tell you all this but I thought this is my blog who the hell cares what I think. If my affies/readers think I’m some kind of freak it’s their own fault they’re so narrow minded. Not saying you are but just incase someone who reads this is. What has the internet come to when I can’t even express myself on my own blog because I am worried about what people would think.

So only my mom, my dad, my doctor, my councilor, my geometry teacher, and my BFF Katherine know this. I know this is a fairly long list but I only told one person myself so I guess the rest don’t count in a way. Ok. Deep breath.

I have been clinically depressed since last year. It has been pretty bad this year with everything at school. I have been seeing a councilor since the beginning of December and I saw my doctor in the beginning of January and she is having me take 20 mg of prozac, which is an antidepressant, a day. They recently raised my dose to 30 mg a day and I have been feeling better. They want to get it up to 40 mg but the 30 mg is making my hands shake nonstop for some odd reason and I have a hard time writing at school. I have been going to school 1-2 days for the past 3 weeks because I simply couldn’t get myself to leave the house. My councilor was starting to become worried I was developing agoraphobia which would be really bad. This week I have gone to school 3 days in a row and hopefully tomorrow will be the fourth . It’s an uphill battle but hopefully I can do it.

This is one of the main reasons why I have been neglecting the site so much. I just don’t want to get out of bed and do anything most of the time. I just think maybe when I wake up I’ll be better and I’ll be somewhere else. No I am not some emo person who walks around talking about cutting myself in fact if you saw me on the street you wouldn’t look twice. My cousin is actually taking the exact same medication as me and my mom remembers my aunt, my grandma, and my great grandma, all acting the way I have been acting.

I was really frustrated to not be able to write how I feel in my blog so I started a live-journal (no I will not tell you the account it’s very personal) This is an entry from a few weeks ago.

Have you ever felt so sad that you can’t cry. Your emotions start to blend together until they form a murky grey mess that isn’t distinguishable as emotion anymore just pain eventually the pain subsides to numbness. You want the numbness to last, so you wont have to think about anything but it also scares you, pain is part of life and it’s near impossible to imagine life without it. A life without sadness and anger and pain is just as bad as a life without joy. For me the numbness was something I could control at first, only feel it when I needed it, now it’s taken over. I feel like I am slowly being pulling pulled in a direction I don’t know. I can’t say I am moving backwards because then I would know where I was going.

I wish I didn’t feel better because now the pain hits me like a physical blow. I can’t function and shut down. Writing helps. sometimes or it can make it easier to release it but I don’t want to just submerge it and I am afraid of just numbing myself anymore.

Now when I try to think of something sad it’s like there’s a barricade in my mind. I can’t reach it no matter how hard I try. I get glimpses of the memories and thoughts through the fog but they are quickly whisked away. The rare times they do break through they just join the mess of emotions that are lying under the bridge.

Today I became completely hysterical. It was scary. I can only remember one time it’s gotten this bad before. My mom called my doctor later and she said she might change my medication. I wish I had never started taking it. A few nights when I was talking to Katherine on the phone (I can but I can’t believe that she’s the only friend I’ve told..) She told me I sounded so different. People have said horrible things to me before then but that hurt me worse than everything combined. Peter has been ignoring me during Geo. and I really miss him. He always listened to me and would help me if I missed a lesson. Now he just acts like I’m not there. I hate to think that I’m changing and I wish I could go back. I am scared that even if I stop taking prozac it will be too late.

Back to tonight. My mom cut the plug off the end of the TV and I kept trying to move the book shelve and fix it. I knew there were a bunch of wires and stuff back there but I could only focus on having to fix the plug. My mom pulled me away so I wouldn’t electrocute myself and I just turning in a circle and screaming and eventually I just sort of collapsed. It was so weird. I couldn’t focus on anything but I’d failed. I feel like I’ve messed everything up and its to far gone to fix.

I can’t be in the spring dance concert anymore, I’ve missed too many days of school. I can’t believe my teacher thinks I don’t know the dance. I do! I know I do! I love to dance and it’s one of the few things I will still get up for. Now I am so scared that I’m not good enough.

The only way I could explain how I feel to my mom is that before I started taking prozac it was like the little light-bulb that was how I felt was really dim. Then they took a really bright bulb and screwed it in but not all the way and now if you jump to hard by the lamp or brush against it it flickers and instead of just being dim it turns off entirely.

I know I should be going to school more I just can’t face anyone. I don’t want to explain, how many times can I keep saying I didn’t feel good or I had a stomach ache.

Wow I am actually tiered. Good night nonexistent reader.

That’s the best I can explain how I felt. I can’t explain it now because I don’t want to remember it. I want to pretend that it never happened, that it isn’t happening but I can’t. It’s just as much a part of me as my eyes or my feet.

I can understand if you are overwhelmed that people out there think about more than the newest rap song and what Paris Hilton is wearing but believe it or not there are. I am one of them and I am proud of it.

XOXO & bye for now.

~Athena.

Currently watching: The State of the Union Address

So I am just sitting here watching The State of the Union Address and I made a almost february resolution. Instead of writing a 600-800 word blog every week I am going to try to write a shorter blog every 1-2 days. I just didn’t have time to sit down and write a long blog that much but I will try to add a few longer ones when I have time.

So you may be wondering what homework assignment could be that great. I am making a journal of someone from the 18th century. My person was a 14 year old girl named Isobel Helen Williams. I thought it was pretty good I made a book by hand and printed out my pages to turn in it. My teacher thought it was really good. I will take a picture of it when my teacher is done grading it.

I also have some science and

GAAH.. I hate hate hate Bush!!! He is such a butt face. I strongly disagree with his views on immigration and the war in Iraq. I have to say the speech isn’t horrible so far and he has made some good points but I have very strong views about the war as I said before. A lot of people are clapping about what he is saying about Afghanistan.

I am working on a couple of new free layouts but I have to fix some the others first. I also am working on a couple of new brush sets..

I have another after school dance rehearsal which means I will be at school from 7:30 AM - 6:30 PM . I like dance but the after school rehearsals can be extremely tedious.

My mom is taking her class on a field trip to a puppet play tomorrow! They are so lucky.. My last field trip was to the art museum :P. It was insanely dull..

We have a new affiliate, Tasha, be sure to check her site out and say hello!

Well I should get back to my updates and editing..

XOXOX & TTFN

~Athena