Listening to: The Funeral - Band of Horses

Edit: Ok. So I am kinda rerevamping the site. I never really finished the last revamp and there are a lot of changes I didn’t get to make. So I am going to be removing a lot lot lot of the old content and replace it with other stuff such as the super coolio WP themes I am working on right now! I have some ideas that have been swimming around in my head and I thought it was time I put them into a theme. I don’t want to change the layout because I love beyond love this one but I do think WP themes would be great. So I am working on it. Hopefully I can have themes done in 2-3 weeks. I know that seems like a while but I want to make 4-5 and I want theme to be as good of quality as my current theme.

XOXO Athena

Ok. The music video to the song I’m listening to made me cry so if you like really sad stuff go look for it on you tube. Trust me if you have tear ducts you will cry.

So I watched Marie Antoinette last night (technically it was this morning but whatever..) It was ok. The costumes and sets where beautiful! The plot was kind of shallow actually it was nonexistent… Also there was very little dialog. The costumes made it completely worth watching though.. I officially decided I am going to be Marie Antoinette for halloween this year! I know it’s only Feb. but it will take me all summer to sew the costume (corset and all..) I am really excited because one of my many odd odd hobbies happens to be costume design/sewing. Me mom taught me how to sew when I was 3 or 4 and I have been working on my mad skills ever since. I will have to show you all a picture of a doll I made for school one time. So my mom will help me some most likely and it will be a little work but I am really excited.

Ok. So this blog really isn’t all that chipper as it has started out to be. I have been debating back and forth in my head whether on not to tell you all this but I thought this is my blog who the hell cares what I think. If my affies/readers think I’m some kind of freak it’s their own fault they’re so narrow minded. Not saying you are but just incase someone who reads this is. What has the internet come to when I can’t even express myself on my own blog because I am worried about what people would think.

So only my mom, my dad, my doctor, my councilor, my geometry teacher, and my BFF Katherine know this. I know this is a fairly long list but I only told one person myself so I guess the rest don’t count in a way. Ok. Deep breath.

I have been clinically depressed since last year. It has been pretty bad this year with everything at school. I have been seeing a councilor since the beginning of December and I saw my doctor in the beginning of January and she is having me take 20 mg of prozac, which is an antidepressant, a day. They recently raised my dose to 30 mg a day and I have been feeling better. They want to get it up to 40 mg but the 30 mg is making my hands shake nonstop for some odd reason and I have a hard time writing at school. I have been going to school 1-2 days for the past 3 weeks because I simply couldn’t get myself to leave the house. My councilor was starting to become worried I was developing agoraphobia which would be really bad. This week I have gone to school 3 days in a row and hopefully tomorrow will be the fourth . It’s an uphill battle but hopefully I can do it.

This is one of the main reasons why I have been neglecting the site so much. I just don’t want to get out of bed and do anything most of the time. I just think maybe when I wake up I’ll be better and I’ll be somewhere else. No I am not some emo person who walks around talking about cutting myself in fact if you saw me on the street you wouldn’t look twice. My cousin is actually taking the exact same medication as me and my mom remembers my aunt, my grandma, and my great grandma, all acting the way I have been acting.

I was really frustrated to not be able to write how I feel in my blog so I started a live-journal (no I will not tell you the account it’s very personal) This is an entry from a few weeks ago.

Have you ever felt so sad that you can’t cry. Your emotions start to blend together until they form a murky grey mess that isn’t distinguishable as emotion anymore just pain eventually the pain subsides to numbness. You want the numbness to last, so you wont have to think about anything but it also scares you, pain is part of life and it’s near impossible to imagine life without it. A life without sadness and anger and pain is just as bad as a life without joy. For me the numbness was something I could control at first, only feel it when I needed it, now it’s taken over. I feel like I am slowly being pulling pulled in a direction I don’t know. I can’t say I am moving backwards because then I would know where I was going.

I wish I didn’t feel better because now the pain hits me like a physical blow. I can’t function and shut down. Writing helps. sometimes or it can make it easier to release it but I don’t want to just submerge it and I am afraid of just numbing myself anymore.

Now when I try to think of something sad it’s like there’s a barricade in my mind. I can’t reach it no matter how hard I try. I get glimpses of the memories and thoughts through the fog but they are quickly whisked away. The rare times they do break through they just join the mess of emotions that are lying under the bridge.

Today I became completely hysterical. It was scary. I can only remember one time it’s gotten this bad before. My mom called my doctor later and she said she might change my medication. I wish I had never started taking it. A few nights when I was talking to Katherine on the phone (I can but I can’t believe that she’s the only friend I’ve told..) She told me I sounded so different. People have said horrible things to me before then but that hurt me worse than everything combined. Peter has been ignoring me during Geo. and I really miss him. He always listened to me and would help me if I missed a lesson. Now he just acts like I’m not there. I hate to think that I’m changing and I wish I could go back. I am scared that even if I stop taking prozac it will be too late.

Back to tonight. My mom cut the plug off the end of the TV and I kept trying to move the book shelve and fix it. I knew there were a bunch of wires and stuff back there but I could only focus on having to fix the plug. My mom pulled me away so I wouldn’t electrocute myself and I just turning in a circle and screaming and eventually I just sort of collapsed. It was so weird. I couldn’t focus on anything but I’d failed. I feel like I’ve messed everything up and its to far gone to fix.

I can’t be in the spring dance concert anymore, I’ve missed too many days of school. I can’t believe my teacher thinks I don’t know the dance. I do! I know I do! I love to dance and it’s one of the few things I will still get up for. Now I am so scared that I’m not good enough.

The only way I could explain how I feel to my mom is that before I started taking prozac it was like the little light-bulb that was how I felt was really dim. Then they took a really bright bulb and screwed it in but not all the way and now if you jump to hard by the lamp or brush against it it flickers and instead of just being dim it turns off entirely.

I know I should be going to school more I just can’t face anyone. I don’t want to explain, how many times can I keep saying I didn’t feel good or I had a stomach ache.

Wow I am actually tiered. Good night nonexistent reader.

That’s the best I can explain how I felt. I can’t explain it now because I don’t want to remember it. I want to pretend that it never happened, that it isn’t happening but I can’t. It’s just as much a part of me as my eyes or my feet.

I can understand if you are overwhelmed that people out there think about more than the newest rap song and what Paris Hilton is wearing but believe it or not there are. I am one of them and I am proud of it.

XOXO & bye for now.

~Athena.

Listening to: From My Heart To Yours - Laura Izibor

So my laptop was kidnapped by my parents there for no updates I am thinking about making a few wordpress themes that you could download. I enjoyed coding the CSS for this one so much I really want to try again.

I found a few more songs (as usual) to get and so here they are:

The General Specific - Band of Horses
The Funeral - Band of Horses
Live and Learn - The Cardigans
To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra
Let Go - Ingrid Michaelson
Finally Woken - Jem
Maybe I’m Amazed - Jem
Your Song - Kate Walsh
French Song - Kate Walsh
Tonight - Kate Walsh
Fireworks - Kate Walsh
From My Heart To Yours - Laura Izibor
Soulmate - Natasha Bedingfield
Infinity - Merrick
Dream - Priscilla Ahn
I Don’t Think So - Priscilla Ahn
Rain - Priscilla Ahn
New Slang - The Shins
Phantom Limb - The Shins
Little Black Sandals - Sia
Day Too Soon - Sia
The Girl You Lost to Cocaine - Sia
Lazy Eye - Silverson Pickups

I think I got a pretty good assortment in there I would recommend Sia’s new album Some People Have Real Problems to anyone. It’s really amazing and her lyrics are really powerful and honest. Also Natasha Bedingfeild’s album Pocketful of Sunshine is wonderful. Its a lot less disney pop than her last album. I am totally in love with Kate Walsh. Her music is so soothing and peaceful.

So I am extremely addicted to Lost. It’s sooo good!!! I just finished the first season and started the first episode of the second season. I hope I can finish the next two before ABC takes them off their web site! Lost can be kind of creepy sometimes but it’s just like a good mystery novel, it’s worth the creepy moments for the great plot.

I just finished Sweet 16 by Kate Brian. I know what you’re thinking, just another shallow chick-flick but it’s really really good. The book has a really great message. I don’t want to give too much away but it’s about a extremely spoiled girl who learns there is more to life than having that new Gucci purse..

Uhmm.. If I would rate my life right now it would be a 5.5/10 I think. School has been pretty blah lately. My geometry teacher refuses to give me my makeup work and I have a lot of stuff to do for science.

Well TTFN & XOXO I will try to do at least some updating before I go to sleep.

~Athena <3